Gas Incident Lyrics

I woke up early one morning,
But laid in bed just watching Jeremy Kyle.
Then I got a text from Martin Craddock saying 'I knew that kid wasn't his'.
Then I was watching Cash in the Attic when I heard the post arrive
a flyer for a new pizza place and me' latest gas bill.

It claimed its quarterly usage was double the equivalent quarter last year.
So we rang up the gas board to get his meter checked.

It was an automated system, I was on hold 'til Bargain Hunt.
And when I finally got to talk to someone it was an Indian bird with a lisp.

Something about her voice told him that they had more in common than just gas.
So we asked her to meet him at this new pizza place.

So we met at seven-thirty, just in time for the opening ceremony.Vic Reeves And Bob Mortimer - Gas Incident - http://motolyrics.com/vic-reeves-and-bob-mortimer/gas-incident-lyrics.html
The ribbon was cut by Christopher Biggins and I guess his younger brother.

They were both enjoying the pizza, when Martin Craddock turned up.
They thought it best to leave, 'cos Craddock's a bit of a racist.

So we both went back to my place, and I did a sketch of her.
But it ended up looking like Moira Stewart so I set fire to it and shot it in the bin.
It was then that the house exploded and I woke up in hospital.
They said that the Indian bird was dead and her name was [Hoo-jer-ardi].

It was all because of the gas leak, which explains the size of the bill.
They traced it back to a cracked pipe

Underneath the thermostat.
Now I'm on disability,I can spend all day in bed
Watching Midsomer Murders